Had a rather hectic, emotional weekend helping my Grandma who phoned to tell me she was stuck on the floor and couldn't move. We got her an ambulance and to the hospital where there was not a lot of good news. Broken hip, heart murmur and the cancer that she is already fighting.
I see my Grandma now so frail, once so robust, and wonder what it must be like to watch your body succumb to the years going by. Watching the world change several times over. It must be an odd experience to know that after living a life time and 'escaping' an early death that death still waits around the inevitable corner. My Grandma and I have had some very candid conversations about death, and even her death. What it will be like for us as a family when she is gone. I appreciate her honesty and frankness but for all her confidence that it's ok for life to take its course; I see flashes of uncertainty and even fear in her eyes. What a surreal experience to see death coming.
From the outside looking in, death is always hard to grapple with. It comes fast, it comes slow, it comes unexpectedly, it comes inevitably. Weather it makes us hold our breath or try to catch our breath it effects us all. Now it feels as though death is the enemy but I know one day I will understand God's mercy in letting us die and escape this broken world so that we can experience everything how He intended. Though, for now, death still robs us. It robs us of our loved ones and friends. It robs us of time...and I resent that.
I am learning to let go and to trust. I know that I am not in control when it comes to the life and death moments of those I love. Its a gut wrenching feeling of helplessness and dread some days but then I am reminded of who Christ is and I choose to trust that now 'what I understand in part, then I will fully know'.
No comments:
Post a Comment