My mind has just been a whirring away lately primarily between three predominate trains of thought: Being a Mother, Being a Photographer, Being a Brazilian Jui-Jitsu White Belt. Sounds big right!? Don't worry, I'll summarize.
As a mom right now I am trying to be deliberate. 'Let's Colour', 'Let's Cuddle and Watch Dora', 'Let's Make Banana Bread' and I have to say that has been awesome. I really do want my kids to remember more than me cleaning the house and being grumpy all the time because of it. On the flip side I have really been trying to be more patient - I am especially short tempered when I am trying to get something done. When that task switch is flipped in the on position it is SO hard to turn it off. *sigh*
As a Photographer right now I am feeling totally impotent. lol I actually told Ed the other night that, "I feel like a sperm donor that is shooting blanks". Then we both laughed and I wondered what a Freudian phychologist would have to say about that! Weird metaphors aside though I have felt uninspired and a little frustrated lately. So much of it is that anything that I want to do with photography takes time....task oriented time....that I don't want to subject my children to!! Trying to figure out the balance to make time for things I love and want to develop vs the time my family needs from me is very trying.
My white belt and me are quite happy with each other right now. That one nice little stripe on it makes me happy too. They speak to hard work but really no skill. Which is really ok with me at this point because it tells the world - 'Please don't expect too much of me - I'm new!! I enjoy learning without the pressure that I shouldn't be making such silly mistakes. I make silly mistakes left and right but I don't feel bad I just laugh and try again. It is very therapeutic.
I do have a tournament this weekend though that is messing with my whole 'learn at my own pace' thing. I am pitting myself against others that have been learning and training hard - and I am 99.9% sure that I don't have nearly enough skill or training to be attempting this. I think it will take a miracle for me to just survive the five minutes. It is freaking me out a bit, I've been cramming like I would be for a major exam but like cramming for a test I have that same sinking feeling that it is too little, too late.
At this point I hope I walk away intact.
So yes my brain is buzzing. It's not bad but its definitely hard to focus. Thus the random blog post.
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